"love", love and marriage

Love. What a tricky word. What does it even mean? I feel like the connotation of it is so varied and ill-defined that it aids in the misconception of what it is, should be, and could be.

My sister is falling in love with her boyfriend – they are adorable. I say that, but what is really happening between them? She enjoys his company and is comfortable being herself around him, likes his dreams for the future, is learning to trust him, likes to listen/talk to him, and is attracted to him. Is that love?

I am going to my friends wedding in Grand Rapids this weekend. Of all the people I know who are getting married this year (7 couples) I am most happy about this one. They are SUPER young, but seem to have a solid relationship and have been together for a long time, so I feel comfortable about it (as if my opinion matters anyhow).

So with these thoughts floating around in my head, I wonder … how does a person decide to marry another? How does one realize/accept/choose THIS person as a spouse over any other. It has to be more than attraction, like, or ever – dare I say – this illusive thing called “love”.

My cynical side says if you really really “love” a person, in the way that society seems to view love, you should, under no circumstances, marry them. Think about it. The one you marry is the one you will fight with, get sick of, learn every annoying thing about, and probably end up divorcing (if we are looking at US society at large). If you really love them, save them from yourself and let them go free! Love and cherish the fragile thought and memory of being that person, leave when it is still good …

But this isn’t love. This is hardly even a shadow of love.

In Caedmon’s Call song “Love is Different”, the lines, “Cause love is different than you'd think/It's never in a song or on a TV screen/And love is harder than a word/Said at the right time and everything's alright”, reaffirms my thoughts but does not answer my question.

I was reading The Problem of Pain by C. S. Lewis last night and he was writing of how love creates action – and not only what would be viewed a positive action. God, an instructor, and a parent will all be hard/demand a lot in order to produce what should be. A parent who never disciplines their child shows that they do not care enough to take action. A teacher who does not teach and direct, probably does not care about the education of the student. A God who does not show His people what’s what, demonstrates that He doesn’t love or care enough to take the time to direct/discipline/teach. These examples of love are very different than the googledly-eye “hes sooooo wonderful and handsome” type of “love” that is so pervasive. Lewis’ depiction of “love” fits in more with what I feel love is and how it should be measured - but obviously this is not romantic love that he is describing.

Love IS action – caring action – for the benefit of another. When I think of love (both romantic and otherwise) and marriage, I hope it is partnership. A partnership of support – an affirmation of each other’s lives – “getting” what their life is about and joining in whole-heartedly.

I am told that when you meet the “right” person, you know – you just know. While I am skeptical of this, I will take their word for it at the moment. My issue with this is that I have felt like that I would be with people, only to find out that I’m really not supposed to be with them. So now, I don’t really trust those feelings. I always wonder if everyone does this, and then, finally when they stumble upon the person who they end up marrying, they are able to say “I just knew” – simply because it actually happened to turn out that way THAT time. Maybe if divorce rates were lower I wouldn’t be such a skeptic about this. Maybe it’s all about timing … but I think it is more.

While all of the details of my life are obviously not worked out, the beat of my life is steady. The direction is clear – some of the paths are just hazy. The desires within me are strong. (I recently told my Dad that I may not be married very soon. He asked why, and I told him it would be hard to find someone with the desires as me. He asked me what they were … I told him … and he respond – “yeah, maybe you won’t”. Then he laughed and said that some times those desires change when you meet a person … I told him that yes that does happen, but there are a lot of my desires that I do not want to change – I want to live the life that I feel called to – and I want to be with someone who is not going to pull me from them *otherwise I’d just resent them … and that’s not love*.) I hope the beat of my heart remains and that one day I’ll hear the same beat echo in another.

So … happy marriage Christiana and Dave … may your hearts beat together forever.