old thoughts again

One of my greatest fears: Waking up one morning and realizing that my life is gone, that I’m old and that I have not done what I intended.

When I am ultra-busy September-April I do not get the chance/make the time to read that types of books that I want to read. I find myself swamped with “other” reading, whether that is freshman papers or articles about analysis and the transfer of information. Only in the few short months of summer do I make runs to the library and read whatever I feel like reading. It is wonderful and puts my mind as ease - I’m finally able to explore the thoughts that I usually do not make time to think about.

And that’s my point. All of the sudden many months are gone, then years. If I’m not careful I’ll be exactly where I am tonight. I know it sounds drastic, but it is true. Do I expect life to turn out like I plan? Not a chance! But if I don’t plan, if I don’t have a goal, if I don’t see beyond where I am at right now I won’t get there or anywhere close.

Tonight I was reading Woman in Front of the Sun: On Becoming a Writer and although I have already read parts of this, I re-read My Rosetta. In this account Cofer references an old fable about a boy who wants to know the secret to building muscle – the old man who is going to teach him makes him do manual labor before he will reveal the secret. Once the boy is fed up he confronts the old man, only then does the old man shows him his reflection and the boy sees that what he has been doing gave him the result that he was after, even though he was doing it unconsciously.

All of this makes me think about life and the choices involved in it. Today is the day we live. This is our life. Right now. How I live and the choices I make, even though they seem either too small to matter or too large to obtain, can drastically alter the course of a life.

So, go for it.

I know I don’t want to die wishing I could live my life over again.