bah

Yesterday I was full of anxiety and really had for no good reason. I really hate that - I felt worried and internally upset for a million little reasons. I talked to my walking buddy about it, but really all I could do was vent ... and that wasn't helpful either. I ended up talking about the symptoms of the problem but not the problem itself.

What was the problem you ask? Trust. Me trusting in God. I was praying on my way to work this morning and I was struck at how much I want to be in control, or even, how much I think I need to be in control. I find it odd because when I am "in control" of my life, I am miserable - utterly. I end up bogged down with all kinds of crap that I was never meant to hang on to. I feel responsible for my future, my relationships, jobs, everything. I end up being one big ball of fury, with my undiagnosed case of tourettes looming just beneath the surface of my tongue. When I am like this, I do not feel like myself nor am I happy.

I was reading Taste and See by Piper today and he was writing about how God comes in power and love to care for us. It resonated deep within me that I am totally at His mercy, His meriful loving care. The connatations of being under the power of another is scary; to feel helpless is hard for me. But when I consider His great love, His tenderness - realizing that His best interest is in my best interest ... understanding that He only knows the course of my life and that He will bring it to fruition - I can feel the ball of anxiety melt away when I look to Him and meet His loving gaze.

When I once again resituated myself as a sheep following a shepherd and stop trying to be the shepherd (which is a job that I have no capability of doing), life is good. My job is to look at my shepherd, listen and follow Him, eat the grass and drink the water He leads me to, and to trust and adore Him.

Then I am a happy girl, at peace and ready.

mish-mash

I was thinking today about how different I am from my sisters . We all grew up in the same house, but our wants/desires/attitudes about life are *so* different. Yet, we are very much the same. It just strikes me as interesting. It is like adding the same ingredient (our childhood) into three different batches of bread dough -- it has had a very different effect on us all. I think we are all happy with our choices; we are all serving God and have a vision of where we are headed -- really, what more could I ask for?

What brought this on was watching Batman Begins (love it) and thinking about the quote from Katie Holmes "It's not who are you on the inside, but what you do that defines you." This hits me in a two different ways. My immediate response is one of agreement, "Yes, because who you are comes through your actions, for better or worse." But then I also disagree with this because I am defined by God -- my actions cannot define me in this sense because my actions do not always line up with what I know to be true/right/beneficial. Maybe Paul saw Batman Begins before he started writing letters ...