just a short one

i used to try to distance myself from my emotions. i tried to be detached from life and relationships in order to keep perspective and stay in control

... to keep tears from falling
... to be safe from the rollercoasters of life
... to not be disappointed

but it ends up, without real tears there really aren't real smiles. and the rollercoaster eventually ends and if i hang on, i am fine. its okay to close my eyes in terror and scream with everything ive got, maybe it even adds to the fun. and while i hate being disappointed, i love anticipation (and id rather anticipate and be disappointed than never want anything that badly)

and tonight my heart is full of so many things and it amazes me that parts of me can be so happy and some so sad and others dreading while still other parts are hoping. it is an amazing thing. it feels i am schlepping around hundreds of pounds in my chest but id rather it be filled to the brim than empty and hollow