life, death and pursuit

I wonder if life would not be better lived, if the goal was death.

I feel like many times this life is under-rated and the afterlife is overrated. What if this were it? What if our purposes were set in this life on this planet? Would I live differently? I feel as though I have a misunderstanding – to a fault I feel like there is always more time, as if eternal time/life is already in progress for me. I do not count now as precious as I should. I do not live each day as if it were my last chance to create an impact. I always think there is tomorrow, or the afterlife, or some reason why I am special enough to escape death, to go on living (as I live now) for forever.

My sister’s father-in-law died a little over a week ago – he was here, and then he was not. In a moment, his time ended. Whatever impact he was going to make, he made until the 30th of last month [...or did he? Will his life, memory, and work continue even without him being physically present? Doesn’t he continue to live in his wife and sons and grandchildren? Is he not living through this blog?]

His death makes me wonder how I really should live. I want to make an impact, I want to live for some big cause, I want to pursue my ambitious goals and live a full life.

Then I contemplate that probably the only people who are going to miss Bruce everyday for the rest of their lives is his family. That’s it... only the people with whom he had a love relationship. His family will love and miss him regardless of any success or failure he encountered.

If love is essentially a one-on-one deal, and ambitious goals are primarily sterile, can I give up love for those goals, no matter how essentially good they may be?
But will goals miss me when I’m gone?
Do they care about my wellbeing?
Do they simply drain me from what I could give to someone who would appreciate my time and life?

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Can my goal be simple?
Will a simple goal, something like “love everyone in my life and live each day like it were my last” be a simple life?
Or would it be more full and exciting than I could imagine?

I guess this ramble ends here: what makes a life worth living?

Tomorrow at noon I am having a phone interview for a job I really want. However, more than the rest I have applied for, I feel as though I am probably not the best candidate to fill the position. Strangely, I feel that I will be fine if this potential job goes no further than tomorrow afternoon. I finally feel at peace about my job situation. I know I'll only get this one if its right - if not, something else will happen whenever it is going to happen.

I am realizing more and more that I strive for self-reliance as though it were important. Whenever I feel that I am "almost" self-reliant, something happens ... and some part of my life is broken. I've been busy fighting being broken and now find I've been learning humility.

... so I sit in someone else's basement, on someone else's bed, feeling more at home within myself than I have in a long while.

i wish the songs in my head sounded as good when they come out my fingers

Here is sit at 12:30 am ... playing guitar. Wow, such a great feeling. I have to say that one of things I most look forward to when (if) I get a place of my own is being able to play guitar (and get an electric piano ... when I get a job that pays real money) whenever I want. I mean, I know I'll have to be careful of being TOO loud b/c of neighbors, but its a lot different than when you share a room.

I had a nagging feeling that I needed to play today, but I ran out of time looking for jobs and fretting that I don't currently have one. As I was playing tonight I realized a re-occuring themes in the songs I was choosing ... Your Grace is Enough, Come Thou Long Expected Jesus, Majesty (Here I Am), At the Cross, Sweetly Broken ... grace, trust ... yikes, trust ... waiting, grace, grace, grace ...

Thank God that He isn't super pissed at me.

ehh

So I'm working today/tonight on my project and wow, it is crazy that I am almost done. I don't even know what to think about that. I feel like I have been so comsumed with my work and study that I have had little time for anything else. I find what I crave most is friendship.

This morning I was thinking about two of my best friends from undergrad, and how I feel like calling them my "best friends" at this point is ridiculous. I keep trying to get in contact with them ... but they don't really call me back. The last time one called was for directions as she was coming to Ann Arbor. She wanted us to get together if I were around (so she said) but she didnt even bother letting me know that she was coming until she was on her way ... and I was at my parents that day. I know that people grow apart, but that's ridiculous. Is calling to see how I am, when you don't need anything, to much to expect from a "best friend"?

Okay, obviously I'm pretty hurt about this.

My parents don't cultivate friendships. I've always felt sad for them because they don't have any. Everyone they are "friends" with are people that use them. Seriously, it's pretty sad.

I worry that because I haven't seen an example of friendships that last beyond convenience maybe I won't be able to have any.

on a less funny note

I know, two entries in one day. *shrug* weird.

I got an email today from one of my bosses and he mentioned an event that will be taking place on good friday. He mention this by writing "(blah blah blah) ... which would be 'good friday'". I was pretty struck by this. I was like, wow, right ... it doesn't mean much to a lot of people.

And then I began to wonder about how much it means to me. What does Easter, REALLY, personally mean to me? I know what it should be, but there are many years that I don't give it really any thought beyond tradition ... or candy and friends.

I was thinking today about what it means to have God, Jesus, as a friend? How do I define a friend? How do I define Him as a friend? The song, "More than a Friend" has been in my heart since Sunday and I can't figure it out. I guess I use to consider God my friend. Now it is easier for me to think of Him as God or King ... but ... really ... maybe more like "idol" than anything else. Like something that can be controlled and/or ignored rather than worshiped and obeyed.

It irritates me that the dynamics never stay the same. If you asked me four years ago about this I would have had an answer. But I guess thats what makes it real.

the dork that I am ...

So I was job hunting and I randomly came across this ad ... and I laughed and laughed. Notice the topic and then the word choice. TOO funny.


IBI Synergy, Inc. is a manufacturer of Latex condoms and we will be releasing a new brand of condoms for the USA market this summer.

We need a person with strong English skills that can work very fast we are under a very tight deadline for the finishing of our retail packaging. The job will consist of writing 4 different blurbs that are strong, straight to the point and meet with the USFDA labeling requirements it would also be great if you can translate the blurb into Spanish as well but not needed.

The Job pays $150.00 and if done well their will be many future jobs available.

If interested please email jason@ibisynergy.com with the following

Name
Phone Number
Email Address
References

And a quick 2 or 3 sentence blurb on what you think of condoms

Thank you for taking the time to read this and we look forward to working with you in the very near future.

one of the many songs in my heart lately

The Swift I Need You Lyrics


My heart is restless in me
My wings are all worn out
I'm walking in the wilderness
And I cannot get out
I need You, Oh, I need You
Blessed Savior come
I need You, Oh, I need You
Fill the every longing in my soul

Oh, how I need You, Lord
I need Your perfect Word
With tearful eyes to see
The sin that I afford
I need to weep and pray
For all the thousand ways
That I have failed You just today

My bed is soaked with sadness
My sadness has no end
A downward spiral of despair
That I keep falling in
I need You, Oh, I need You
To You my soul shall fly
I need You, Oh, I need You
Yaweh, how I love You more than life

Your silence is like death to me
So won't You hear my desperate plea

Today my soul is soaring
Way over mountains high
Though I can see the valleys
They're all just passing by
It's not that I am stronger
Look at my feeble wings
But I've been lifted higher
Yaweh's lifted me in His own strength

Oh, how I love You, Lord
I love Your perfect Word
With tearful eyes to see
The God who always will endure
Now I will celebrate
For all the thousand ways
That You have shown me grace
And made my heart in grace to stay
You've made my heart in grace to stay
Lord, make my heart in grace to stay

I need You, Oh, I need You

looking forward

I'm kinda over having roommates ... yeah for vacation and a change of pace. :)